This is the blog that makes me the happiest because it has no obligations in my mind. I don’t feel I “should” write in it, but I do if I have something to say. I don’t even have a thing installed to show me traffic because I really don’t care. If you’re reading, that’s nice! If you aren’t, that’s cool too, and it doesn’t matter how many people do. This is going to be another post about my fertility stuff because that’s my reality lately, but ALSO I actually have good news to report!
The week that V and I went on vacation to Toronto/Montréal, it was after I’d found out my previous round of Clomid (100 mg) hadn’t worked. But then, I got my period. (I know, it’s TMI but it’s relevant to the rest of the story because it dictates when I take Clomid). This threw a wrench into all of our plans. I’d assumed I’d need to take progesterone –> get a period –> take Clomid as that’s what I’d always had to do before. I planned to do this after we got back from vacation so that I wouldn’t be taking these hormonal medications during our vacation. But the period raised two questions. One: Had the Clomid at 100 mg actually worked despite what the labwork said? Also two: what the heck was I going to do now?
I talked to the people at the fertility clinic. They said that maybe the Clomid had worked, but that they’d still like me to continue with the increased (150 mg) dosage for the next cycle. So then we had a decision to make – should I take Clomid during my vacation? It’s taken from days 3-7 of a cycle, cycle day 1 being the first day of your period. After some discussion, V and I agreed that it would be foolish to waste the momentum the previous cycle had given us. We decided I’d take the Clomid while we were on vacation. I even made sure to take it the first few nights at a time that would “work” once we’d changed time-zones, because you have to always take it at the same time but I knew I’d be out having fun with Toronto people at least one of those nights. So I took it at 10 pm Mountain time so that I could take it at midnight once we were in Toronto. This is necessary because the Clomid itself has some pretty strong side effects. For me, I get extremely dizzy. I was a little worried about what would happen if I had to take the meds before we’d arrived back at our hotel, but that never happened. I managed to take it every night at 12 AM. The other nice thing is that the effects of Clomid usually come after the meds are taken, so I was feeling fine when we met all the new folks in Toronto.
It turned out that taking Clomid on the vacation was okay. It meant that I had to avoid alcohol (boo) but that’s okay too. I had a blast meeting folks and visiting old friends, which is actually for another entry. I want to write about cupcake decorating! Anyway, we had a nice time having Easter with V’s family. I had some hot flashes but I am fairly used to them now. They were definitely stronger and more frequent at this dosage than they have been before. After we got back from vacation (the following week) I went for my day 24 bloodwork where they test your progesterone. Usually after this what happens is the fertility clinic calls me the next day to tell me I didn’t ovulate. Except they didn’t call. So the day after that, I called them and left a message. By 3 pm on Friday, they hadn’t called me back and I was getting really anxious. The clinic closes at 4 pm, and I really just wanted to know what went on this cycle one way or another.
See, the big thing right now is uncertainty. Are we going to Blizzcon? If I were to get pregnant this cycle, we couldn’t. Do we need to get Blizzcon tickets on April 24th? I mean obviously I’d be happy either way, if we go to Blizzcon it’ll be great, if we don’t – well, I’ll be pretty happy as well. I’d really LIKE to do both things – be pregnant AND go to Blizzcon. Which would’ve been possible if we’d done the cycle in April as planned, but my body had other ideas. So it’s 3 pm on Friday and the clinic hasn’t called. V, to my surprise, texts me: “I’m going over there.” Then he left work early so that he could go to the clinic and ask them to phone me. At about 3:15, the phone rings – it’s the nurse from the clinic. She’s talking to me and I’m silently freaking out because I know he can’t have arrived yet. At one point the nurse puts me on hold and I grab my cell and frantically dial V’s number. He answers, and I shout “STAND DOWN.”
He was in the parking lot but hadn’t made it up to the clinic yet. Crisis averted! I think he was actually going to be really nice and polite, but I still don’t want to be known as those crazy people who get overly pushy about phone calls. Meantime, the nurse called and blew my mind: “So, you went for your bloodwork on April 10th, I have the results here, and they are ovulatory!”
So that’s a first in…well, a really long time, because I just don’t DO that spontaneously, on my own. (Thanks PCOS). It does put me in the position of being a person who feels downright celebratory about this. I mean, hey. It’s not pregnancy, but for the first time in 17 months, this cycle it COULD be. The suspense is killing me. And obviously there’s no question of waiting the requisite “three months” before telling anyone. If I get a positive test I will tell the internet despite common wisdom. Here’s my reasoning: People wait three months because they are afraid of miscarriage. That’s valid. But you know what, if I were to get pregnant and then miscarry I would want people to have known I was pregnant. I’d need support from my friends, which includes a fair amount of people I’ve never met in real life but are still friends. So while that might not be the right decision for everyone, it is the right decision for me.
What happens now? First of all I wait… because this cycle there is an ACTUAL CHANCE. Somewhere around the 20-25% a “normal” couple could expect, I guess. Which is still 20% more of a chance than we’ve had in nearly a year and a half. Before I heard from the clinic I kept wanting to tweet something melancholy about how I was afraid of hope. I had prepared myself 100% for being told that the dosage hadn’t worked. So hearing that it did left me completely flat-footed. I guess that means one possibility is that this cycle “worked.”
If it did – um, woo! If it didn’t, the doctor at the fertility clinic decided that we would do two more cycles immediately rather than waiting. Usually they like you to take a two month break after three Clomid cycles (this was my third) but because I took a break in January and didn’t actually ovulate on the other doses, they said that this would be okay. There is a part of me that can’t seem to believe it actually worked, and doubts it will work again. I hope that becomes a moot point. I hope if I need it to that it WILL work again. Meantime, though, we’re just happy to have any evidence of progress. Dare I say, baby steps? Vince was making a joke about something the other day and I stopped him and said, “HEY. DON’T MESS WITH THE OVULATOR.” Yes, this makes me feel like a superhero and my superpower is pretty underwhelming since most women can do it every month without even trying. But it is a big deal to me, and the first real progress we’ve had since we made the decision to start doing this. So I am happy. A not-so-small part of me wishes that we will have some degree of luck and actually have it happen this time; the infertility equivalent of “We got pregnant the first MONTH (that I actually ovulated).” But if not I’m philosophical about it, too. There will be, hopefully, two more upcoming chances and that is much more hope than I had following the first two unsuccessful Clomid cycles.