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Infertility Update

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Published on April 15, 2013, by in Infertility, Slice of Life.

This is the blog that makes me the happiest because it has no obligations in my mind. I don’t feel I “should” write in it, but I do if I have something to say. I don’t even have a thing installed to show me traffic because I really don’t care. If you’re reading, that’s nice! If you aren’t, that’s cool too, and it doesn’t matter how many people do. This is going to be another post about my fertility stuff because that’s my reality lately, but ALSO I actually have good news to report!

The week that V and I went on vacation to Toronto/Montréal, it was after I’d found out my previous round of Clomid (100 mg) hadn’t worked. But then, I got my period. (I know, it’s TMI but it’s relevant to the rest of the story because it dictates when I take Clomid). This threw a wrench into all of our plans. I’d assumed I’d need to take progesterone –> get a period –> take Clomid as that’s what I’d always had to do before. I planned to do this after we got back from vacation so that I wouldn’t be taking these hormonal medications during our vacation. But the period raised two questions. One: Had the Clomid at 100 mg actually worked despite what the labwork said? Also two: what the heck was I going to do now?

I talked to the people at the fertility clinic. They said that maybe the Clomid had worked, but that they’d still like me to continue with the increased (150 mg) dosage for the next cycle. So then we had a decision to make – should I take Clomid during my vacation? It’s taken from days 3-7 of a cycle, cycle day 1 being the first day of your period. After some discussion, V and I agreed that it would be foolish to waste the momentum the previous cycle had given us. We decided I’d take the Clomid while we were on vacation. I even made sure to take it the first few nights at a time that would “work” once we’d changed time-zones, because you have to always take it at the same time but I knew I’d be out having fun with Toronto people at least one of those nights. So I took it at 10 pm Mountain time so that I could take it at midnight once we were in Toronto. This is necessary because the Clomid itself has some pretty strong side effects. For me, I get extremely dizzy. I was a little worried about what would happen if I had to take the meds before we’d arrived back at our hotel, but that never happened. I managed to take it every night at 12 AM. The other nice thing is that the effects of Clomid usually come after the meds are taken, so I was feeling fine when we met all the new folks in Toronto.

It turned out that taking Clomid on the vacation was okay. It meant that I had to avoid alcohol (boo) but that’s okay too. I had a blast meeting folks and visiting old friends, which is actually for another entry. I want to write about cupcake decorating! Anyway, we had a nice time having Easter with V’s family. I had some hot flashes but I am fairly used to them now. They were definitely stronger and more frequent at this dosage than they have been before. After we got back from vacation (the following week) I went for my day 24 bloodwork where they test your progesterone. Usually after this what happens is the fertility clinic calls me the next day to tell me I didn’t ovulate. Except they didn’t call. So the day after that, I called them and left a message. By 3 pm on Friday, they hadn’t called me back and I was getting really anxious. The clinic closes at 4 pm, and I really just wanted to know what went on this cycle one way or another.

See, the big thing right now is uncertainty. Are we going to Blizzcon? If I were to get pregnant this cycle, we couldn’t. Do we need to get Blizzcon tickets on April 24th? I mean obviously I’d be happy either way, if we go to Blizzcon it’ll be great, if we don’t – well, I’ll be pretty happy as well. I’d really LIKE to do both things – be pregnant AND go to Blizzcon. Which would’ve been possible if we’d done the cycle in April as planned, but my body had other ideas. So it’s 3 pm on Friday and the clinic hasn’t called. V, to my surprise, texts me: “I’m going over there.” Then he left work early so that he could go to the clinic and ask them to phone me. At about 3:15, the phone rings – it’s the nurse from the clinic. She’s talking to me and I’m silently freaking out because I know he can’t have arrived yet. At one point the nurse puts me on hold and I grab my cell and frantically dial V’s number. He answers, and I shout “STAND DOWN.”

He was in the parking lot but hadn’t made it up to the clinic yet. Crisis averted! I think he was actually going to be really nice and polite, but I still don’t want to be known as those crazy people who get overly pushy about phone calls. Meantime, the nurse called and blew my mind: “So, you went for your bloodwork on April 10th, I have the results here, and they are ovulatory!”

WHAT. NOW.

So that’s a first in…well, a really long time, because I just don’t DO that spontaneously, on my own. (Thanks PCOS). It does put me in the position of being a person who feels downright celebratory about this. I mean, hey. It’s not pregnancy, but for the first time in 17 months, this cycle it COULD be. The suspense is killing me. And obviously there’s no question of waiting the requisite “three months” before telling anyone. If I get a positive test I will tell the internet despite common wisdom. Here’s my reasoning: People wait three months because they are afraid of miscarriage. That’s valid. But you know what, if I were to get pregnant and then miscarry I would want people to have known I was pregnant. I’d need support from my friends, which includes a fair amount of people I’ve never met in real life but are still friends. So while that might not be the right decision for everyone, it is the right decision for me.

What happens now? First of all I wait… because this cycle there is an ACTUAL CHANCE. Somewhere around the 20-25% a “normal” couple could expect, I guess. Which is still 20% more of a chance than we’ve had in nearly a year and a half. Before I heard from the clinic I kept wanting to tweet something melancholy about how I was afraid of hope. I had prepared myself 100% for being told that the dosage hadn’t worked. So hearing that it did left me completely flat-footed. I guess that means one possibility is that this cycle “worked.”

If it did – um, woo! If it didn’t, the doctor at the fertility clinic decided that we would do two more cycles immediately rather than waiting. Usually they like you to take a two month break after three Clomid cycles (this was my third) but because I took a break in January and didn’t actually ovulate on the other doses, they said that this would be okay. There is a part of me that can’t seem to believe it actually worked, and doubts it will work again. I hope that becomes a moot point. I hope if I need it to that it WILL work again. Meantime, though, we’re just happy to have any evidence of progress. Dare I say, baby steps? Vince was making a joke about something the other day and I stopped him and said, “HEY. DON’T MESS WITH THE OVULATOR.” Yes, this makes me feel like a superhero and my superpower is pretty underwhelming since most women can do it every month without even trying. But it is a big deal to me, and the first real progress we’ve had since we made the decision to start doing this. So I am happy. A not-so-small part of me wishes that we will have some degree of luck and actually have it happen this time; the infertility equivalent of “We got pregnant the first MONTH (that I actually ovulated).” But if not I’m philosophical about it, too. There will be, hopefully, two more upcoming chances and that is much more hope than I had following the first two unsuccessful Clomid cycles.

 

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Infertility Diaries: The Infertility Rollercoaster

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Published on March 4, 2013, by in Health, Infertility.

I hesitate a little bit to write this entry but I feel it’s important for a few reasons. First of all, if I want this to be a personal blog I have to actually get personal on it sometimes. I could only post about recipes or food or house things but those aren’t personal, they’re just things. So, here goes.

January and February were a month of ups and downs for me. Around the time I started this blog I was really struggling to cope with all of the emotions that infertility struggles bring my way. Throughout most of January and February I managed to forget about it. Dealing with negative emotions I’m not used to dealing with is the hardest thing, so far. In January, I couldn’t go out to do groceries without getting upset by seeing a pregnant woman. You see them and you think, “Why not me?” And trust me, pregnant women are everrrywhere. By the end of January I had largely managed to wrangle that sensitivity. Even my doctor turned out to be pregnant, for crying out loud. But I was feeling really happy with myself, and so it didn’t seem to matter as much.

I’m at something of a midpoint, right now. All it took was a few pregnancy announcements and there it was again; that horrible mess of dark feelings. Jealousy, anger, frustration, sadness. Why is this so easy for some people and so hard for me? How can they try for three months successfully, when we’ve been trying now for fifteen? When we passed the year mark it was something of a nasty milestone for me, and the toughest part is not knowing what lies ahead. The thing is, I could not have kids and I’d be sad, but I would go on to have a happy and full life. I would like to have kids and likewise, go on to have a happy and full but different life. It’s the not-knowing that bothers me the most, feeling like you are stuck in limbo. I started to worry that I was farcical or that people were shaking their heads at me because I keep having to preface statements with “If I am pregnant by then…” or “Well, that would change if…” I mean, I felt ridiculous. I’ve been saying that now for fifteen months. I’ve been suffering through colds that I can’t take medicine for, passing up glasses of wine, for a baby that never comes.

People try to commiserate with (or complain) to me about their disappointment each month and even that makes me mad. I want to tell them, do you even know what it’s like, to have your hopes crushed so low they may never rise again? To see someone else with their baby and think you might not ever hold your own? Don’t talk to me about the disappointment you felt after you’ve been trying for a couple of months. I could actually tell you many things about what to do/not to do when it comes to a friend struggling with infertility.

Pregnancy announcements: Don’t tell your friend publicly. It’s not that she is a selfish jerk, but this is hard for her. In fact, speaking for myself, it’s probably the hardest thing she’s ever had to deal with. Issues surrounding fertility hit right at your sense of self-worth. You can feel broken, inadequate, and even less womanly. So if you put yourself in your friend’s shoes for a minute or two, you can imagine that hearing this kind of news from friends is a tough moment. You have to get over feeling sad for yourself before you can be unabashedly happy for pregnant friends, and this is a process best done alone. If possible, tell your friend one on one and make it clear that you understand it is tough news for her to hear. Speaking for myself, I’d actually prefer an e-mail above anything. It may seem impersonal, but that is perfect – your friend won’t have to immediately pretend an emotion she isn’t feeling. She can deal with it in her own time. Don’t be hurt if she doesn’t gush about the news. This is an unreasonable expectation.

Pregnancy, ongoing: This obviously depends on the friend and how close you are, but you can’t expect your friend to be your closest confidante. Your friend may pull away from you. You need to let her, trusting that she will come back when she feels ready. If you weren’t that close in the first place, perhaps she won’t, and don’t blame her for this either. Don’t ever complain to an infertile friend about your pregnancy; save that for other friends who aren’t dealing with this. The medication I am taking for my infertility makes me feel royally awful. I get nauseous (sometimes it lasts all day), and the hot flashes are not only uncomfortable but embarrassing. I would throw up every day for nine months without complaint if it meant I had a baby at the end of it, and I hate throwing up more than almost anything in the world.

Babies: This really depends on the woman. I find that I actually have a harder time with pregnant women than I do with babies. Other women may find the opposite, or they have trouble with both. In this case it’s probably best to just ask your friend how they personally feel, and understand if they say it is tough for them to be around babies.

Support: I am fortunate to have many caring friends who have my back when it comes to this stuff. I’ve been really vocal about it, probably the point of annoying other people who’d rather not hear about it, which is unfortunate but I’m not going to change just for them. I think it’s so important to talk about infertility because there are many misconceptions and it’s also a subject wrongfully shrouded in shame. Infertility is a medical condition that often stems from other medical conditions. It is no different from a friend with a disorder or disease. Many of the ways to help a friend dealing with this should be common sense, but aren’t.

Off the top of my head: Don’t tell someone to “just relax” or go on a cruise or etc. etc.

Don’t give anyone sex advice. Ever. Trust me, they know more than you do about what parts have to go where and when.

Just be considerate. Listen. Ask her how she is doing. Remember her, ESPECIALLY on Mother’s Day. People don’t often think about others on that day, how it might be a hard day because they have lost their mom, or it might be a hard day because they want to BE a mom and don’t know if they will. Maybe don’t go on about babies. Don’t say “if” you have a baby – she already knows plenty about uncertainty. Take her cues, and if she changes the subject – leave it alone. If she wants to talk about it, be a friendly ear. Don’t tell her stories about people who could never have kids. She needs to be hopeful. You can tell her about friends who had a hard time but were eventually successful, but not in a way that diminishes her experience.

Actually, the lovely esthetician who gave me a facial at the spa the other day was wonderfully sympathetic. It turned out that she and her husband tried for FIVE years and they were just about to do IVF when she got pregnant on her own. She understood where I was coming from, I suppose in a way that only people who have gone through a similar journey can. I was grateful to her for listening, and so happy for her and her three-months-pregnant self. My psychologist says that people come into our lives for a reason – I feel as if the universe wants me to deal with these feelings and get used to watching other people achieve what I want very much, without rancor. At a friend’s suggestion I’ve taken up meditation again. Even though I have to feel the ugly emotions when they happen, I don’t have to hang onto them and let them fester and take over my life.

My response to dealing with all of this is gratitude. I hope you won’t think less of me for confessing to the ugly, jealous feelings in the first place – but rather focus on where I want to end up. I’m not a jealous person by nature. I don’t envy material objects or things like that. I am happy with what I have, and so grateful for the wonderful life I lead. Right now, children aren’t part of it. But I do have my wonderful, goofy dog, the one who is right by my side when I’m crying. As my friend says, he is made of 110% love. I am grateful for our little house, my loving parents, friends who care and want to listen. I am grateful for being able to do work that I love, and above all I am grateful for Vince who is my best friend, the one who tackles all of life’s challenges shoulder-to-shoulder with me. Our relationship is the foundation of everything, and without it we wouldn’t want to increase the size of our family in the first place. So when I remember all of that, the infertility stuff doesn’t seem too bad.

I’m waiting to find out in the next day or so the results of my Day 24 progesterone test. This is a blood test administered after a cycle of Clomid to see whether the Clomid worked or not. If it worked then there’s a chance I’m pregnant (even if it worked, no guarantees) and if it didn’t they will increase the dosage to 150 mg for one more cycle. If that cycle is also unsuccessful then we have to wait for two months to give my body a chance to recover (Clomid is hard on you) and talk about our options. If I don’t respond to Clomid at any dosage then I guess I am not a good candidate for it and we’d have to go from there. The upside of this cycle not working is that we would definitely be able to go to Blizzcon in November. We already booked the hotel, and if this cycle is another negative result then I know I am in the clear for November. My next Clomid cycle would be in April/May, and if I get pregnant then I’d be due January 2014 or so. So I’d be six-seven months pregnant but still able to travel hopefully. I really want to go to this convention, but of course if this cycle was successful I’ll be over the moon as well. I’ll miss the chance to meet guildies and friends in California, but of course I have to look at the bigger picture, and after 15 months of doctor’s visits, medications, blood works, invasive diagnostic testing and an emotional rollercoaster – I think it would be the best reason to miss Blizzcon, if I had to.

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The Little Things: FitBit!

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Published on February 27, 2013, by in Health.

The last time we went to Edmonton in September, I happened to notice my brother was wearing a Nike Fuel Band. We’d gone to West Edmonton Mall to buy a few things, but mostly, he admitted, because he “needed some more steps that day.” Now, my brother is super athletic already. He is a hardcore mountain biker and has taken up running in recent years. He and I are also alike in that we grew up playing video games, and when he told me he needed to max out his Fuel Band I understood. I just need to find all the coins on this one level! I just need to defeat the secret boss!

Well, it’s no secret that being active can be challenging. For me, the biggest obstacle has always been accessibility. It’s tough to get to a gym nearby (and I greatly dislike the “gym culture” of the gyms I have tried). The only one I truly enjoyed was when we used to go to a gym downtown that was near Vince’s work. They had more women working there than men, the trainers were outstanding, and I enjoyed the atmosphere for the most parat. But when we moved out to the ‘burbs it was no longer practical and I’ve yet to find a place since that even comes close. We briefly joined a rec centre/gym/pool deal near to us and even hired a trainer, which is probably an entry in itself. Just last week we cancelled our membership altogether. Our two sessions with that trainer were more counterproductive than anything. It’s so frustrating – you have the motivation, you want to be more active (I wanted to maybe get into weights more) and you hire a trainer to help you do that. We specifically told her, look, we’re not in great shape. We want to make sure we don’t hurt ourselves. We’d like a routine we can do at home.

What she actually did was have us do a workout that made us throw up and left my arms so sore that it actually interfered with my work. Drawing isn’t exactly a strenuous activity, either. Vince was worried about his heart rate at that point too, and asked the trainer what his target heart rate ought to be for his age and build. She said “Umm. I don’t really – I know there’s a formula but I can’t remember right now.” We decided not to schedule a third session. As far as I’m concerned, if your first priority isn’t the safety of the people you are training, then I’m not putting my health or my money in your hands.

It left us feeling deflated, though. We’d really wanted to commit to this and had hoped that the trainer would help us. During the last part of 2012 our activity had slowed down and we weren’t doing much. But because we really, truly wanted to be more active, the topic came up again. I had noticed some people on Twitter talking about a little device called a “FitBit,” and I remembered my brother’s fuel band. It seemed to me like a smart idea – whether you are going to the gym or not, anyone has access to walking. I walk the dog all the time. This could be a way to help me reach an activity “baseline” and live a bit more actively. That doesn’t preclude other activities or anything, but it’s easy to work some extra steps into your day (I thought).

I researched a bit the FitBit vs Fuel Band and ultimately decided the FitBit was a better… well, you know. I didn’t really want to wear something on my wrist all the time. Friends on Twitter told me they just clip the FitBit to their bra and forget about it for the entire day. This is a much better solution for me, and the FitBit One also had features that included sleep tracking and a silent alarm. I talked it over with Vince that night and he was the one who went on the Amazon site and started ordering a pair of FitBits! He needed pretty much zero convincing. The FitBits shipped really quickly and now I have one! I’ve been using it since last Thursday. Now that I’ve had the chance to check it out, I want to extol its virtues here!

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This is the FitBit with its clip on. When you shake or pick it up it has a variety of little phrases it says that can be customized (ie “Hello!” or “Push it!”) This can lead to unintentional hilarity as on Sunday when I dropped it on the floor and it lit up to say, “High five!”

The FitBit has a lot going for it. I got the Burgundy one to differentiate it from Vince’s (although they look nearly identical anyway and I don’t think there’s much chance we’ll get them mixed up). Since first plugging it in, I’ve logged 12,930 steps. This doesn’t seem like much when you consider that ten thousand is considered the benchmark for being active in a single day, but I think it’s a decent start considering I’ve been laid up with a cold since last week. On Sunday I was feeling a lot better and my FitBit and I went downtown to do some shopping – bringing me to a total of 6000+ steps for that day. That’s more like it! It’s not quite there yet but I think you have to set goals as you go. It was much better than my previous days spent at home. Although one thing I always manage to do is climb at least ten sets of stairs in a day – we live in a two-storey house and my studio is in the basement plus the laundry is on the main floor so that’s a lot of up and down.

The only downside there is to the FitBit at the moment is the syncing (or lack thereof). My phone is not recent enough to sync with the type of BlueTooth that it uses, nor is my iPad. (It works with 3rd generation iPads or newer). This means that it syncs every time I walk by my PC (via the little wireless doohickey now permanently claiming a USB port on my tower). That’s fine for home, but when we go on our trip in March it’s not going to be able to sync until we get home, or if we bring a laptop with us, which we weren’t planning on doing. The FitBit automatically resets at midnight, so I’m hoping that what happens is it just hangs onto that data for a specific date and will upload the whole shebang when we’re able to sync it. So that’s an irritating consequence of not being a frequent “upgrader,” but it won’t interfere with my use of the FitBit on a very regular basis.

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This is an example of FitBit’s dashboard online from today! Further down it has a sleep graph that is not pictured here.

Really though, what you are dying to know is, does the thing work? Will it help to make you more active? I think absolutely, if you are the kind of person who is motivated by goals and high scores, it definitely will. I know Vince already turned to me jokingly yesterday and said, “I’m going to go early for that meeting because then I can walk all the way from one building to another, and PUT THAT IN YOUR PIPE AND SMOKE IT.” I think there are worse things than having a competitive nature when it motivates you and your partner to try to out WALK the other person. I already knew that this works really well to motivate Vince because he walked faster when we tracked our dog walks with an app on my phone. “Hurry, we aren’t going to beat our record at this pace!” I think the FitBit is great for anyone with a gaming mindset, definitely. I’ve set my current goal to 7000 steps a day for the time being, and I’m going to see how attainable that is and what changes I’d need to make to reach 10,000 on a regular day. Vince suggested helpfully that I could just walk around all day, but I have to work sometimes too! I think integrating being active into my day via just walking more is going to be great for me. So far I consider my little FitBit to be $99 very well-spent!

 

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Thirty For Thirty: Makeover Edition

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Published on January 30, 2013, by in Fashion, Slice of Life.

People are drawn to makeovers. I am definitely firmly in that camp! There’s something about seeing someone looking different (and often feeling happier) that we are drawn to. I believe it’s because it’s very easy to identify with. These are ordinary people on shows like What Not To Wear or the sadly defunct Queer Eye. Apart from their penchant for clothes that look as if they’ve had them since the 80s, they are normal. We root for them, and perhaps secretly watch for tips to improve ourselves. It’s a rare person who is happy with themselves exactly as they are.

As I get ready to bid farewell to my 20s, I’ve been quite introspective. I’ve been thinking about my successes, my failures, and how I’ve changed. I like to think that especially in the latter part of this decade I have changed a great deal.  I am more assertive for sure, less shy, less down on myself. I think I’ve been undergoing a mental transformation that you can’t duplicate in a half hour or an hour long TV show. That said, though, I do sometimes feel as if my outside self doesn’t reflect my inside self. I could never make a claim to be particularly fashionable, although I don’t think of myself as poorly dressed either. Nobody is pointing me out on the street or anything. But that’s mostly because my clothes were always super boring. Safe. Maybe even a bit bland.

So when it came to my attention that a friend of mine (she is co-owner of the salon I’ve been going to for years) has an image consulting business, my mental gears started turning. She was telling me all about it and how great it is, and my stylist (who I’ve also known for years) kept coming up behind us and intoning, “Do it!” and “You will have so much fun.” I was nervous about it. You have to be ready to accept well-meaning criticism and be willing to try new things. I talked it over with Vince and he encouraged me.

“Libertee said it is really one of the best things you can do for yourself,” I told him. “Then,” he said, “I think you should do it!”

I got in touch with her and we arranged it, and we did it! It was the sort of thing I was excited and nervous about. I didn’t know what to expect at all. We started off at my place while Lib looked through my closet. This was mostly for her to know basically where we were starting off from. I thought I had plenty of jeans (and I did) but they weren’t the most flattering cut for me. Many of my shirts and cardigans were fine, and she used them to make up outfits for me.

It was a day of revelations. First of all, apparently my shirt-size is not as big as I thought it was. My pant-size still is, though, but different shaped pants makes a WORLD of difference. We hit many stores as we shopped while Lib showed me how to think about every piece you’re buying as part of a larger whole. How does it fit into the wardrobe?

I should also mention that this may seem like an expensive venture, but actually the clothes really didn’t cost that much, generally. It was costly because when you’re buying quite a few jackets (which I was) that will get more costly, but I also got a shirt for $5 and sales on many of the other items because it’s the end of the season. Well, in the rest of the world we may be heading into spring but in Canada winter is going to go on for quite a few months so these are still useful clothes for me!

We went into stores I’ve never even looked at before because I assumed they wouldn’t have my size or I thought the style wasn’t “me.” Some of the stores I had been in before but I never would’ve tried on what Libertee was picking out! Not because I hated it (I did veto a few things, because I’m not into animal prints, haha) but just because I never would’ve thought it would be the “right” thing for me to wear.

I’m going to do something now that takes guts, so I hope you’ll understand that. I’m going to let you see my before and after photos. I made a weird face in the before, probably because it wasn’t ACTUALLY before. I didn’t want to have to put on my old clothes again!

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Umm. So. Anyway.

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It’s me only different!

In the interest of fairness, the light isn’t as good in the first photo and also I made that weird face. But other than that… I didn’t even want to put on my old clothes again. (Would you?) So I had to lose many of my misconceptions over the course of that day. First: I don’t need tops that are XL. Second: I should wear belts in a place other than the loops on my pants, haha. I should wear high-waisted pants that are wider and straight-legged. Boot cut is not my friend.

Some things I already knew and I felt good about that. I am good at picking colours that look good on me. I also knew that empire waist style shirts work well. (Using a belt to cinch a regular shirt is a continuation of this idea!) Also, I can do layering. I honestly had avoided doing this in the past because I thought it would just make me look fat. That’s a tough admission right there.

The biggest, hugest thing to come out of this though is the way Libertee was able to expertly assemble a wardrobe, not just random pieces. She used some of what I already owned and some other classic pieces to make enough outfits for me to wear for over a month without wearing the same exact outfit twice. This blew my mind! I’m serious. At the end of the day, we went home and laid out all the clothes on my bed. I got a notepad and we numbered everything like so:

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Seven of these things were mine already (at least one of them you should be able to guess!) and a number of them are new. Then, having made this list we went item by item and Libertee rattled off a list of numbers to make an outfit with it. It was something like “1, 16, 13, 7!” She is amazing. She did this for every single piece that’s there, including pieces I’d already owned, and at the end of it, I had THIRTY-NINE outfits written down. But my mind doesn’t really work well with numbers, so I knew I couldn’t stop at just that. I made them into a graphical form, here’s an example for you. I’m not going to post all of them because I don’t want to meet someone and have them be all, “Oh I see you’re wearing #14 today!” I don’t think anyone would pay attention that closely but still.

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This is just a random sampling. You can see how each piece goes with other pieces to make something slightly different. I feel a bit as if this is a secret the entire world has always known and I somehow failed to grasp. I was absolutely the person Libertee described; I’d be out shopping and maybe pick a shirt I liked without thinking of how it would go with many other things I owned. Or else I had just not considered many things in this context. My clothes were a bit of a mish-mash of shirts that looked good with jeans that were wrong and dress pants that didn’t fit right and…I don’t even know.

The best part of this whole thing, to me, is that it’s not as if Libertee was trying to remake me into someone I’m not. She sent me out on a mission after to find a pair of brown boots because I don’t own any, but it’s nothing drastic. I’m sure the results for another person would be as unique to them. I wore jeans more often than not because it seemed like a safe/easy choice, and have always wished I knew what to wear with a skirt to make it work, or how to casually wear a dress. It’s as if Lib just helped me to find the me I wished I knew how to express, and then showed me how to do it.

It feels a bit soul-baring to post this all for anyone to see, so I’d appreciate if you’d be kind enough to keep it to yourself if you have anything less-than-nice to say. How we present ourselves to the world can be a raw topic. In order to go through this with Lib I had to put myself in a place of willingness. I was open to any ideas she had. I was there to learn what she knows, because this is an area about which I really don’t know much! Even admitting that is a bit tough, who wants to say they are clueless when it comes to fashion? Well, I may have been clueless but I have had the fog lifted from my eyes. I feel amazing. I would recommend Libertee specifically to anyone in Calgary who is ready for a change and wants an expert to help them. And I’d recommend image consulting in general to just about anyone. While we were shopping, Libertee exclaimed “These pants will change your life!” I don’t think it’s just the pants, but she may just be right.

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It’s #26, if you must know.

 

 

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Sketch: Rufus

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Published on January 21, 2013, by in Art.

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A sketch of Rufus sleeping during our LoTR marathon this weekend. It turns out he doesn’t like being sketched very much, so I had to work quickly and out of the corner of my eye. When he realized I was looking at him he sat up and stared back with a look of consternation: “Why are you staring at me?!” so parts of it I had to guess at. Fortunately I’d already drawn most of him by that point. Speed matters!

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Let Them Eat Cake On Rare Occasions: Regarding PCOS

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Published on January 19, 2013, by in Health, Infertility.

There’s definitely an irony inherent in my chosen blog name. You see, I have PCOS (polycystic ovary syndrome). It is a complex metabolic disorder often characterized by a certain degree of insulin resistance. They aren’t even really sure what causes PCOS and there’s definitely no cure, but insulin resistance is a key component. What insulin resistance means, in a nutshell, is that our bodies can’t use insulin in an efficient way. This leads to the body making more insulin in an effort to handle any incoming sugar. It can also eventually strain the pancreas, and excess insulin can lead to a whole host of other issues. Insulin resistance in turn is thought to lead to the other hormonal imbalances that characterize PCOS – excess testosterone and the unpleasant side-effects that result from that, and a disruption in the cycle that leads to ovulation/menstruation in normal women.

So what does all this mean for someone living with PCOS? Well, I was diagnosed back when I was about twenty-two. I wasn’t having periods with any regularity. I’d been reading about possible causes of this and I was pretty sure that PCOS was my problem. I went to the doctor and more or less said, “Look, I think I have this.” After testing me, she agreed. Since then, I’ve tried to “treat” my PCOS with varying degrees of success. Diet and exercise are the biggest things  you can do to control symptoms – because of the link to insulin resistance, particularly a diet high in sugars can be very detrimental. But there’s nothing that makes it “go away.”

Another piece of the personal puzzle for me is that we decided we were ready to start a family. This is a big decision for anyone, but it was one fraught with anxiety for me because I knew that my condition has a big impact on fertility. No ovulation, no baby. We’ve been trying now for over a year (since Nov. 2011) and because I knew about our challenges I made sure to get a medical team on-board really early in the process. I went to see my family physician in February 2012. She wanted us to try for a number of months before referring us to a fertility clinic or anyone else. We went back in July, having had no success and she agreed to refer us to the Regional Fertility Program here in our city as well as referring me to an endocrinologist. I also talked her into putting me on a low dosage of Metformin, and the endocrinologist could increase that if she wanted. Fortunately I didn’t have long to wait before seeing her, and our first appointment was in August. She increased my dosage of Metformin up to 2000 mg and wanted me to keep trying “naturally” until January.

Metformin deserves its own paragraph. Metformin is a drug frequently prescribed “off-label” for the treatment of PCOS. It is normally a drug used for diabetic people. It’s an insulin sensitizer – it makes the cells more responsive to insulin and helps to counteract their natural resistance in a person with PCOS. This, in turn, causes a cascade effect of hormone balances such as reduced testosterone and possibly even the resumption of normal ovulation. I have been on it since last August and while it hasn’t helped my baby quest, I have seen some marked positive effects from it. The first is that my hunger and blood sugar are no longer completely out of control. With PCOS, when you eat a carbohydrate heavy meal, your body can still absorb it but it has to make a ton of insulin to do so. This leads to extreme dips in blood sugar, as your blood sugar suddenly plummets and you are left ravenous and dizzy; at least that’s how it was for me. With Metformin it helps the body handle the insulin normally, preventing these fluctuations in blood sugar. When paired with a glycemic index conscious diet, this can also help weight loss (usually beneficial for a person with PCOS). With me, I’ve also found that Met has helped some of my other symptoms. My skin feels softer, and my hairdresser is certain that my hair is thicker than it was. Unfortunately, thinning hair can be an effect of excess testosterone and just another of those “fun” things that women with PCOS have to deal with.

Although Metformin hasn’t helped my fertility yet, I am so happy to be taking it because it has helped me in other ways. It wasn’t all sunshine and roses, though. Metformin’s side effects can be pretty brutal. Especially for the first three months I experienced almost constant low-grade nausea as well as stomach effects if I would eat anything that Metformin didn’t seem to “like.” This included anything fried or overly greasy or even just oils, anything too sweet or alcoholic. The alcohol wasn’t a big deal because with trying to get pregnant I wasn’t drinking it anyhow. Everything else would sneak up on me. I learned not to even sneak a fry off Vince’s plate. Those effects have gradually lessened, though, and after seven months of taking Metformin I can eat pretty much anything once again.

Around the time I was settling into a rhythm of taking Metformin, we got our referral to the fertility program here and met with a doctor there for the first time. He prescribed the drug Clomid (Serophene) for me. This is a drug that is supposed to help induce ovulation and is also known for its nasty side effects including mood swings, nausea, and most notably hot flashes. Because it is so hard on your body, the drug can only be taken for three cycles in a row without two months of “rest.” They start at the lowest dosage (50 mg) and increase from there (to 100 mg, 150 mg, and so on). You want to find the lowest dosage of Clomid that is effective (ie triggers ovulation) and there is no benefit to continuing beyond that because that will increase your chances of negative side effects as well as the chance of multiples. Unfortunately, the first round of Clomid didn’t work for me. At the same time as I went for the blood test for that, I was tested for immunity to rubella which I apparently don’t have. So before we could continue with another cycle I had to get a rubella MMR vaccine. This is a live vaccine so you need to wait four weeks before trying to get pregnant again, which has turned out to be something of a blessing in disguise.

At first, I was really frustrated at yet another delay in a process that has already felt interminable to me. People I know are getting pregnant all around me. The first round of babies has been born from people who started trying after we did. I know, it’s not a race, but at the same time it has something that’s really hit my self-esteem. I’ve been left feeling useless, broken, unwomanly. I’ve wondered why my body can’t just do this ONE THING, this thing that should be so natural and easy. You spend years making sure you don’t accidentally have a baby, and then the big irony is that it turns out the opposite is harder (at least for some of us). So it turns out that this month’s break has actually been a positive thing for me. I met with my psychologist early in January and I was a mess then, crying in her office that I can’t handle the negative feelings I have been having – the jealousy, the anger, the frustration, the sadness. She encouraged me to just feel those emotions wherever they lead, don’t fight them and just let them out. Since that visit I have been doing quite a bit of processing and I am feeling better. She wanted me to focus on “and” instead of “but,” and to think about what motherhood means to me (and presumably how I will feel if it’s something I can’t have). I’m feeling more ready for the challenges ahead of us. I know that I was happy before we started dealing with all of this. I could be happy if that’s the way my life goes, even if it’s not what I planned.

In the meantime, I am focusing on my own health (which is something separate from my fertility) and just taking my feelings as they come. So when I break down crying because one of the commissions I am working on is paintings of a friend’s lovely children, I’m okay with that. It’s not the friend’s fault, and it’s not my fault either. It is what it is. But I am trying not to dwell on those feelings, just have them and then let them go. Right now as my previous entries have mentioned, I am leading up to my thirtieth birthday with a great deal of thought about how I want to mark the occasion, and also what brings me joy. It is a slow but a good process. I’m ready for whatever 2013 has in store, and I intend to make it a great year in spite of whatever medical stuff we have to cope with along the way.

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You Must Choose, But Choose Wisely

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Published on January 17, 2013, by in Food.

In the past few weeks, Vince and I have been making many smoothies. Unfortunately, we were making them with our stalwart little immersion blender. We didn’t have a “proper” blender at all. I’d bought this blender so that I could blend soup in the pot without doing the “transfer all the soup to the food processor, burn yourself, make a giant soup mess” thing. But it was never meant for dedicated smoothie use and it really struggled to blend the frozen fruit.

Enter this beast:

Note that although I wanted it to fit under a cabinet, I realized after that having it under a cabinet would probably be annoying as you have to slide it out when you want to use it.

Note that although I wanted it to fit under a cabinet, I realized after that having it under a cabinet would probably be annoying as you have to slide it out when you want to use it.

Because I have a penchant for naming things I insisted we had to name it, Vince’s suggestion was “Taz” which I think is a Tasmanian devil reference.

There are entire subsets of things people are intensely interested that you can be blissfully unaware of. Apparently high-end smoothie blenders is one of those things, and there are pretty firm Vitamix versus Blendtec camps.

It seemed to me that most smoothie blogs and Youtube videos recommended Vitamix (but many smoothie blogs also sounded like they’d received endorsement deals to me, or at least affiliate links). Meantime, Blendtec’s biggest claim to fame is a weird series of videos called “Will It Blend?” in which they blend things that were never meant to be blended. Watching a toxic cloud of smoke puff out of a blender jar while a smiling man in a lab coat dumps out iPhone powder is probably the oddest thing I’ve seen in awhile. Does it mean the blender will make good smoothies? Not necessarily, but it’s definitely attention-grabbing.

In the end, it was the profile of the blenders that decided it for me. I just liked the look of the Blendtec better, and it’s shorter so you can fit it underneath a standard kitchen cabinet. Because Vince has been taking a smoothie to work every single day, we spent more money than I thought I’d ever spend on something like a blender. We wanted something that could take heavy usage. So we ordered it from Costco and spent a week not-so-patiently waiting.

When the blender actually arrived, I knew it was out for delivery with UPS but I also really wanted to shower that morning. UPS usually delivers to our area later in the afternoon, so I figured I’d be safe to hop into a shower for five minutes. Friends on Twitter assured me that showering would guarantee the blender’s delivery. I scoffed at them. That wouldn’t possibly happen.

As I’m in the shower, with conditioner in my hair, I hear the dog start to bark downstairs. I think that I can possibly hear the humming of an idling truck through the wall of the shower. “Oh shit,” I say, quickly turning off the shower and wrapping a towel around myself as I sprint to look out the window. There is indeed a UPS truck parked across the street.

Dripping water the entire way, I run down the stairs and push the dog to one side. It is very, very cold and I feel like I’m in a sitcom. I open the door only a crack to greet the bewildered UPS man and tell him, “Maybe just leave it right there. I’ll get it…um. After you go.” I gesture vaguely at the barking dog behind me with a weak smile, implying that it’s the dog that’s the problem and not the fact that I am wearing ONLY A TOWEL.

After he sets the blender down and leaves, I go through a few moments of opening/closing the door hesitation. Okay, I just have to bend down to get this box OH MY GOSH IT IS SO COLD. Door slams shut. But I really want that blender. I grit my teeth, open the door and employ an impressive yoga stretch to reach the blender without actually stepping outside OR losing my towel and flashing the entire neighbourhood.

Victory! I have a new blender. I leave it unceremoniously on the coffee table and run back upstairs to turn the water up super hot in my shower. This is not the arrival I had expected for my fancy new appliance.

Since then, I’ve learned a few things with my new Blendtec:

1) Carrot juice is gross and even if you put an apple in it, it’s still gross.

1a) The dog likes carrot/apple juice as much as he likes carrots and apples.

2) High end smoothie blenders are LOUD. So loud, in fact, I’m pretty sure you’ve heard this blender. From wherever you are in North America or elsewhere.

3) A smoothie blender really does make a difference in taste and texture.

Every smoothie we’ve made so far has been delicious. Here’s mine from this morning, along with the recipe.

 

On my wish list: Re-usable smoothie straw.

On my wish list: Re-usable smoothie straw.

Green Mango Smoothie
(Serves two)

3/4 cup water
2 cups fresh spinach
1 scoop of vanilla protein powder
1 orange, peeled and quartered
1-1.5 cup of frozen mango pieces
*note: the original recipe called for one fresh mango and then 1/2 cup of ice cubes, because I only had frozen mango I omitted the ice cubes and eyeballed what seemed like a reasonable amount of fruit to equal one mango

I know the green colour can be off-putting but truthfully, there was no spinach taste to this at all. It just tasted like orange and mango. As far as the healthiness of drinking smoothies, in general, I’m currently of the opinion that so long as you add protein and stick to whole fruits as much as possible, they are very healthy. If you start adding much in the way of sweeteners or fruit juices, then you’ve got extra sugar without the water/fibre that comes from a whole fruit. Prepared this way I find them quite filling and the energy from them lasts me for hours. I’m told that these blenders can also do things like make soup or ice cream and even grind coffee or other spices such as cinnamon, but I haven’t tried that yet. In fact they say it can make powdered sugar from regular sugar, which is something I’m definitely going to try! For now though, I’ll stick with my smoothies and just be glad that my immersion blender will live to blend another day now that it’s no longer on fruit duty.

 

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Thirty For Thirty: 1

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Published on January 13, 2013, by in Crafts.

I’ve been struggling with ideas for what to do to celebrate my thirtieth birthday coming up in a few months here. Should I have a party? Should I leave town? I’ve taken to asking friends what they did for their thirtieth birthdays (if they’ve had them). The answers are naturally as varied as the people giving them. Some people ignored the number and had a regular birthday. At least one friend I know took an internet break and spent the time reflecting in solitude. Another friend urged me to go out of town for just a day or two as she did. Some folks were dumped right before their birthday (ouch), another person watched the neighbour’s barn burn down (um) and someone on Twitter is currently celebrating his 30th in super geek style, lightsabres and all.

There’s no “right” answer. I also watched a video of a fellow in Pakistan who, on his 30th birthday, spent the day doing thirty acts of kindness. He brought bottles of water to policemen in the torrid weather, gave away balloons to children at an orphanage, etc. I liked the feel of that. But realistically, I know I also want a celebration. So it came to me: maybe the best solution is not to choose one solution at all. Vince had pointed out that if I don’t have “a party” but instead a few gatherings with friends, I get to do more things. He’s absolutely right.

For my thirtieth birthday, I am going to do thirty different things over the next three months or so. Some of them will be bigger and more celebratory than others. Some things won’t be “for me” at all. They’ll probably correspond a bit to each year of my life (for example, for the year I went to Italy, I might make fresh pasta). I still need to write out a list of things. I like the idea of doing a little something to honor each year of my life as I bring this decade to a close and start a new one. It’s possible that one or two of the things may need to wait until a few months after my birthday, and that’s fine too.

The first thing that I’m doing, something I felt appropriate for a “first” year is knitting some preemie hats for the local children’s hospital. I’ve completed just three so far. I think an ideal number would probably be thirty, but we’ll see if I’m up to that task. I think even if I never make quite that many it’s still a worthwhile venture.

I know, in retrospect, the pink hat should've probably had a smaller pom pom...

I know, in retrospect, the pink hat should’ve probably had a smaller pom pom…

I’ll tell you, when I finished this first hat (the pink one, size extra small) I was sobered by its miniscule size. You can “know” logically that premature babies are small, but it’s another thing to hold that tiny hat in your hand and imagine a head small enough to fit inside of it. I am using this pattern “The Perfect Knit Preemie Cap.” It’s a simple rib pattern that can be rolled up from the bottom to adjust to fit a little noggin or expand if needed. I’d never made a pom pom before either, so that was pretty fun. I’m using Bernat Softee Baby Yarn because acrylic is best for preemie knits – there’s no chance of allergies and it’s great for frequent washing. (When it comes to my own knitting I really prefer natural fibres and can often be found knitting with super soft alpaca and merino).

I’m really happy with my first “Thirty for Thirty” endeavor. I like the notion of making something for people in the first year of their life who may not have had an easy start. I hope the hats prove useful, even though my third one looks a bit like a lumpy sock.

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That New Blog Smell

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Published on January 7, 2013, by in Slice of Life.

I happened upon a blog post recently by an artist (I’m not going to link it here) who casually derided a certain category of blog. To hear her tell it, the majority of women bloggers produce “useless” content along the lines of knitting and cooking projects, nothing challenging or containing ideas – unlike blogs by men (and her, of course, presumably). I didn’t bother commenting on her old blog entry, but it did make me think. Who determines what is “of value” and what isn’t? People producing handicrafts are part of the social fabric of life. It happens that craft is often considered erroneously a feminine pursuit. Regardless, I take exception mainly to the insinuation that these are pursuits without value.

As for myself, I have quite a few hobbies that fall under these designations and I’m going to be blogging about them. I bake things:

Lemon Meringue Pie!

Lemon Meringue Pie!

Draenei Cookies

Draenei Cookies

Magecakes

Magecakes

Other times, I make things:

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Edge of a blanket

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Tauren cake toppers

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Sketch done in a city nearby ours

Other times, I play things:

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Playing the WoW TCG with Mike and Vince, not pictured

Playing World of Warcraft is actually the entire focus of my other blog, Manalicious. There may be some similarities between this blog and that one, mostly intersecting interests and the way I write about things. Many people have asked me whether the blog name means it’s just a baking blog. Nope! If you are a geek you’ll get the joke, I liked that it references desserts and geeky interests. I would’ve loved to find something that referenced both art and baking and geeky stuff, but it was not to be.

I’m an artist/illustrator living in Canada. My husband’s name is Vince, my dog’s name is Rufus, and I am excited to have a personal blog to write about non-Warcraft things. Whatever else you need to know will probably unfold as I go! Thanks for reading.

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